5 Cyberpunk Valentine’s Day Gifts

While at an aroma therapy session in an abandoned radar installation, I accidentally tapped into a pirated neural feed—possibly due to the transceiver parts I inhaled.

The static is as ragged and thick as a New Year’s hangover, but I’ll assemble what I get into something approximating coherent thought.

Lucky for us, the first transmission I picked up fits right into February's Valentine theme.

Love is on the wall. Photo by Luana Azevedo

Transmission Transcript:

...Despite all your artificial assistants, we predict a sixty-six over six times six percent chance you’ve forgotten to spend your money in the right direction for this special day.

Fear not, I’m Vento Yaster with Nester's Neural Network coming direct to your brain to save you with some last-minute deals from our sponsors. Remember: the three Ns mean you win!

Together Always

Is the ol’ ball and no brains always harping on you for not following them around wherever they go? No? Well, surprise them anyway by jumping out from behind their favorite kiosk—or from the adjoining bathroom stall—just to say “I love you so much I can’t ever not know your exact physical location at all times” with Tera Tech’s ForEverywhere location tracker!

The beautiful part about this never-apart device: there’re two delivery systems. The software version installs directly into their cerebral implant, integrating into the firmware so it’s nearly impossible to remove—and to detect!—without a complete reformat. The other, more intimate option is a micro-tracker injected into the C1 vertebrae, just below the base of their skull. Only way to be rid of you is to chop off their own head! Physical installation extra. If that ain’t love, then love is a waste of IOUs.

Speaking of debts...

Spare Parts

We’ve all been in need of a quick infusion of funds from time to time. And we’ve all done things we’re not proud of to get it—I know I have! I’m still waiting for my children to stop saying they have no father. You weren't grown in a lab, kids! So what if I auctioned off your childhood memories. Get over it! (static) right, yes, I know, shut up.

The point: you needed money. So you used a carton of fermented algae and vending machine sleeping pills to knock out your significant other long enough to remove an organ for resale. Don’t say you haven’t, we’ve read your credit report!

For a small fraction of the black market price of a harvested organ, get Xomo’s bottom-of-the-line disposable organs so you don’t have to leave a gaping hole where their heart was. We know you do that well enough with your ‘experimental’ poetry, haha!

Xomo’s disposable organs—they slide right in!

Conceptualization of said 'gaping hole.'

Best of all, when they attempt to use the Xomo organ, the soothing voice of Sheevo Gnoe explains they’ll get a working replacement as soon as your software seance business turns a profit.

Buy now while their body is still warm ... and asleep!

Slide me a tall glass of liquid nitrogen because these deals are overheating.

Subscribe to Satisfaction

With all the hours spent up in virtual space, who has the time—or the orifices—to fulfill your partner’s every whim? I do, for one. Call me, aha! (static) But the next best option is Fun Gunzer’s Leisure Playhouse. A candied buffet of the least-defective recalled pleasure androids still on the market. Ignore the warnings, focus on the low, taut-bottom prices!

Ready to serve.

Gunzer's offers both yearly and per minute subscription services, complete with the “Make-em-jealous” add-on, which delivers the good news directly to your partner's place of employment with an old-fashioned singing telegram.

Why do the work when you can have someone—or something—do it for you? It’s certainly my motto. That’s why my assistant has been delivering every other line while I do shots. Don’t be mad, you didn’t notice!

An Improved Outlook 

Let’s move on to the most important aspect of your partner: their looks!

Imagine this: it's a beautiful evening beneath the flood lights, you're staring long and deep into their eyes and think: this is my soulmate, the only one for me ... at least until the contract expires! Aha!

But really, time stops, it’s just the two or more of you, and everything is perfect ... except for their face. You’re not sure what the problem is, but it drives you up the wall and out the window.

Want the answer? Of course you do. That's why you tune in. And to be told all your fears are justified. They are!

So, what's the problem with your partner's face? It’s not yours! No one’s face is better than your own! So give the gift that looks back at them every day, from every reflective surface, until the end of days. Pick up a Dr. Gentlemen's clone surgery gift card while supplies last.

For a limited time, buy two, and he’ll cut the third in half. Cut! A little plastic surgery humor, people ... (garbled) yes, I’m aware ‘cut’ is a normal synonym for a discount, but it’s also ... no more advice during my cast Margret.

Window shopping. Photo by Chester Wade.

Make Lasting Memories 

Planning the perfect date or a romantic couple’s getaway takes a lot of effort. You have to listen to your partner’s whining about the rights of vat meat stem cells. You have to convince your boss to give you the time off, and make sure a bot doesn't replace you in your absence. And to top it off, you’ve actually got to go! Or, do you?

Why not let Flashback Factory’s dedicated team of engineers craft the memories for you? Really, what’s the difference? If you think you’ve been to the resort hotels of Sukaya, there’s nobody except everybody else to tell you otherwise!

Don’t stop there. Get remembered as the greatest lover ever, (static) reliable, likable, or just plain tolerable. Use your imagination—or let Flashback Factory do that for you, too.

With these gifts, your loved one is sure to love you back! And if they don’t, they probably aren’t worth the trouble anyway. On to the headlines ...

:Transcript Ends

Disclaimer: The views reconstructed here don’t necessarily reflect that of the blog author, his affiliates, or his imaginary friend Pete.

Nathaniel Henderson is an author currently working on a cyberpunk-injected book series. For updates and exclusive content, sign up for his newsletter.